IC Inbox for soulgemmed

[relaxfriend]

"Leave a message. Don't be boring. Don't be stupid."

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Comments

[ironicoolly]

[well that tells him approximately fuckall. goddammit, how does he approach this now.]

but
does that mean
like
is that like an "all types are great and i aint gonna discriminate" type of chocolate is chocolate or is it more of an "i have no quantifiable number of fucks to give on this topic" type answer

[relaxfriend]

Zero fucks to give.

Most of the time it's too sweet anyway.

[ironicoolly]

ok white chocolates definitely off the table then got it

[a long pause.

where the fuck does he go from here?? he swears to god he was going somewhere with this, but with an answer like that, he's pretty sure his original planned destination isn't an actual achievable place anymore. good lord, what has he done.]

what about the bitter stuff
are you any better with that

1/2

[relaxfriend]

[This is almost giving him secondhand embarrassment. Which requires some kind of empathy, ugh.

Luckily that only lasts for a brief moment before he's back to enjoying Dave's awkward suffering.]

Jesus fuck Dave do you have to be so painfully weird about everything? You've the subtlety of a disco ball.

[relaxfriend]

I like bitter chocolate.

[ironicoolly]

what
no i dont you dont even know what im doing

[...does he?]

[relaxfriend]

Well currently you're getting on my nerves. So yeah, I do!

1/2

[ironicoolly]

[welp you've got him there.]

haha the feeling is mutual asshole

[ironicoolly]

[--wait. ugh, goddammit dave, this is not what you contacted him to do.]

so anyway just for confirmations sake if you got some of the bitter stuff you WOULDNT try to light it on fire??

[relaxfriend]

[Wow what was that strange feeling just then? Was it...was it pride?

Nah.]

That would be a waste of perfectly good bitter chocolate.

1/2

[ironicoolly]

alright cool
spoilers then youve got truckloads of that shit coming up on the horizon

[ironicoolly]

[...aaaaand a pang of sudden insecurity is hitting him all of a sudden, and he can't resist adding:]

and before you go off on some other tangent about how obvious i am or whatever let me just say this isnt like
step one of some weird courtship ritual ok

[wow he is immediately regretting these words he is sending out, but they're already out there so now he can only keep going down this road]

like just for the record in case you were thinking of cracking that joke
just
dont

[relaxfriend]

It's okay Dave.
You've found the key to unlocking my cold black heart. You don't have to be so defensive now~

[ironicoolly]

wow fuck you

[relaxfriend]

At least take me to dinner first!

[ironicoolly]

[WOW it's a really good thing this conversation isn't happening in person, because he's pretty sure his poker face has been blown to smithereens.]

ok jokes gotten way old now how do you even laugh at this stale shit
if you keep it up im gonna get to thinking youve got some weird preoccupation with turning this into a romantic thing on my part
like
i dunno man
pretty sure this says more about you than it does about me

[relaxfriend]

[Oh he knows already. And this knowledge gives him great comfort.]

Does it?

[Look at all the fucks he gives.]

[ironicoolly]

yep
it does
so i mean unless you WANT me to get to thinking this is some sort of wishful thinking on your part
like youre trying to gauge if ive got the hots for you and wanna slobber all over your crotch dachshund or whatever cause you dont want to make the first move yourself and end up looking like a chump if it turns out i dont like you like that
which i mean if thats what this is then i guess i cant blame you and im sorry ive gotta shoot you down like this but
if it isnt
then you should probably cut it out

[SERIOUSLY STOP IT IT ISN'T FUNNY]

[relaxfriend]

You are literally the most spastic person I have ever met and I went to school with kids who flailed their arms like windmills when they ran.

Relax.

[ironicoolly]

i dunno what makes you think im not actively in the process of being relaxed right now man
sinking so deep into a comfyass recliner youre gonna need a spatula to pry me loose
treading so far into chill zone i make the northern parts of canada look like the goddamn tropics
im plenty relaxed alright

[relaxfriend]

LOL Dave.
Dave seriously.

It's ME.

[You can't lie to him Dave it's impossible.]

[ironicoolly]

yeah well fuck you

[wait fuck he probably shouldn't say that if he doesn't want to open himself up to that joke again]

like this isnt the exact level of unchill you were trying to fish outta me anyway
congrats you got it

[relaxfriend]

That's a horrible accusation.
I'm just joking around with you. That's what FRIENDS do. Chill.

[Thank you for lifting his mood, Dave. Even if only a little.]

[relaxfriend]

Anyway I need to talk to you about something. Are you done being a spaz? It's important.

[ironicoolly]

[...............ugh, he guesses.]

yeah sure what is it